The Bride went off to work, and the (teenaged) kid was off at tae kwon do class. I crated the dogs, locked the cat in the garage, popped a beer, and settled down for a nice quiet evening of watching "Law and Order." The phone rings, and I check the caller ID: Yup, it’s a call from my mother in Florida.
Now, my mother is a remarkable woman. She married my dad shortly after graduating high school, and worked hard to raise my two brothers and me. She was always involved in politics, and also did a stint as an undercover police officer. As us kids got older, she went back to college, and got a degree in politics (“There is no science in politics,” she likes to say), and even got admitted to law school. She spent many years toiling as an operative for the Republican Party, and has been a national delegate for several conventions.
When my parents retired, they moved to Maine. After my dad died, my mom sold the house and moved to Florida. At first, I was saddened by the knowledge that my mom had moved to God’s Waiting Room, but quickly found out that, despite her advanced age, men still flocked to her. It kind of put a new perspective on what everyone was waiting for.
“Hello.” I said.
“I’ve been thinking of ways that you can make money.” My mom said. She’s never happy with the current status of my career, or whatever job I’m doing at the moment.
“I’m doing fine on money, Mom. I have a gig downtown where I’m migrating data from a legacy system into windows. It pays great, and I’ll be there for at least three more months.”
“I know the train rides take a lot of time. And you’ll never make any money working for anyone else.”
“I know, but it pays the bills today. I’m happy with it. Why, what did you have in mind?”
“Home inspections. You could get a computer, take a class at the community college, and you’d be set. Lots of people want to have their homes inspected.”
“I don’t. That’s just for people who are buying a home, Mom. In case you haven’t noticed, not too many people are doing that these days.”
“It would be such a nice career. You could wear a tie.” I choked back my drink.
“No, I can’t wear a tie. That causes me to be sterile. Besides, I have a better idea.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m going to start a garden out in the garage.”
“A garden? In the garage? How’s that going to make you any money?”
“I’d sell what I grow, Mom. Farmers do it all the time.”
“You’re going to be a farmer? What could you grow in the garage that you could sell?”
“Marijuana. It’s really easy to …”
“Christopher, you can’t grow marijuana in your garage. It’s illegal.”
“Aw, come on, Mom. It’s okay. Everyone’s doing it.”
“Christopher, if everyone is voting Democratic, does that mean you have to as well?”
“But Mom, the profits would be through the roof. It’s a great way to make money. You should try it. In fact, I remember reading something the other day on how the elderly have taken over the hydroponic reefer market. You’d make a killing down there.”
“That’s horrible. What on earth did I do to deserve a son like you?”
“You smoked during pregnancy, Mom. I’m still dealing with that.” I paused to take a sip of my beer. “How’s the dating going down there?”
“Well, I’m still seeing Tom. He has a really nice boat. We went out on the harbor yesterday.”
“Unchaperoned?”
“No, we went with the Rosenbaums. We had a lovely time. I packed a picnic lunch with deviled eggs. They're kosher, you know."
“That sounds nice.”
“It was, but when Ralph found out, he got jealous.”
“Ooh, isn’t Ralph the one that repaved your driveway?”
“No, that was Ted. Ralph is the one who’s been handling my gardening.”
“See, there you go. Ralph could help you with your hydroponic setup.”
“No, he wouldn’t be good for that. He’s not dependable. Just last week, I asked him to take care of the gophers. Do you know what that man did? He spent hours catching them, with a stick and a rope. In the rain.”
“Wow. That’s impressive.”
“He got a bunch of chiggers, too. But that’s not the worse part. He wanted me to eat them! He said they were great in a coconut milk curry.”
“Hmm. Probably tasted like chicken. You know, the (teenaged) kid has always said that chicken is the default meat—everything tastes like it.”
“You know, dear, that I don’t like curry.”
“Yes, I know. So poor Ralph should have made gopher cacciatore. Would that have been better?”
“Only if he brought the Chianti.” Ralph might be a bit off, but he did have a great wine cellar.
“Well, I guess Chianti does go with curry. At least a red curry.”
“I can’t believe that man expected me to eat gophers.”
“I’ve seen the things you eat, Mom … so how was the gopher?”
“Oh, I couldn’t touch it, but I couldn’t let him know that. I had to distract him by nibbling on his ear and telling him I wasn’t hungry for gopher.”
"Mom, let's not talk about the squirrels again."
“Anyway, Ralph would never do for anything as complicated as that hydroreefer garden business you keep babbling about. He would get too caught up in the details. And it would take too long.”
“Yeah, you’re right. But it would keep him busy.”
“Well, if I was going to do that, I might as well turn a profit. The money these days is in making meth, but the problem is getting the ephedrine. If it wasn't for that, he could cook in the shed out back with no one the wiser.”
“Um, Mom … that bit with the gophers?”
“Yes, dear?”
“Sounds like he started already.”
