I’m
a chronically unemployed resident of a suburban neighborhood. When I do
actually work, I schlep data around various computer programs because, after
all, the only real thing one can do with data is to schlep it. So when I do
work, I spend hours in front of a computer schlepping data from this directory
into that script and so forth. And I’m not even Jewish, so I do it in my
typical goyish way. I also don’t like dogs.
The Bride: I met her online after my first marriage tragically ended when my practice wife ordered mauve sheets. The Bride works as a nurse in a nearby hospital. I have to admit I have taken advantage of her skills with a tourniquet on more then one occasion. Unfortunately, she likes dogs, but I overlooked that flaw when she agreed to sleep with me. Also known as the Trophy Wife.
The (teenaged) Kid: Comes from my first marriage. Like a typical teenager, he spends most of his time popping zits and playing video games. Marginally useful when he mows the lawn or rearranges the reindeer on the Gospel Suckers’ front lawn into lewd positions. Next time, kid, remember that you make tracks in the snow.
The Baby: Yes, there’s a baby. Can’t really have a blog without one. The Bride and I decided to have one when we made up a really cool nickname that we didn’t want to waste on the dogs.
The Gospel Suckers: So named because, when they sing gospel they suck the God right out of it. They’re a retired couple who love to let people know that they have been born again. They aren’t supposed to drink, but the husband has been known to suck down the brewski when the wife isn’t around. Their various homeschooled grandkids frequently show up, and pet the dogs over the fence. Unfortunately the dogs don’t bite them--yet another reason why I don’t like dogs.
The BFD: Short for Big Fucking Dog. I’m not going to swear on the main page, but I’ll swear over here. He belongs to the (teenaged) Kid and is some kind of mix of distinguished breeds that sounds to me like directions to a city in central Europe, along with a bit of dingo. He was named by the (teenaged) Kid, who said upon seeing him "That’s going to be one big fucking dog!" Good going, kid, that’s three days without World of Warcraft for you. Unlike most dogs, the BFD is actually pretty smart. Likes to do our taxes.
The Fluffbucket: This short hairy beast that belongs to the Bride. The mutt is supposedly a mix of two foo-fooey dogs that grows hair, and is supposed to be groomed regularly, but since the Bride is lazy, I have to take him to an animal shelter and tell them, “If you shave this dog, and I might keep it.” I agreed to this dog entering my home after being caught in an indiscreet moment involving peanut butter.
The Cat: Actually a dog in a cat suit. Started showing up on our back porch one day, and wouldn’t go away. Eventually we let it into the house and stopped tormenting it with firecrackers. Likes killing snakes and complains about the poor channel selection from our cable company. Wants us to get Dish Network with the sports package.
Erle: Yeah, this neighbor actually has a name, along with his wife Nancy. He's a south Asian and a practicing Roman Catholic. Why his ancestors chose to abandon their polytheistic religion to follow the pope is beyond me. But it’s funny for me to see this distinguished looking Indian tell me about the excitement of having the Knights of Columbus do guard duty at mass.
Now the disclaimer part: All content in this blog was created by Christopher Buxton, and is used here by permission. All characters, places and dogs are totally fictional, and any resemblance to actual people locations or canines is total coincidence. The management is not responsible for lost or exchanged items because we most likely have confiscated them. I also reserve the right to add or alter this page whenever I feel like it.
