A spectre is haunting our community--it haunts the bedrooms and the soccer fields and creeps into our schools and fast food parking lots. It is the unquenchable desire of a teenager to obtain sophistication at any cost. Today's menace is body spray.
I first was introduced to this olfactory menace when I discovered that the (teenaged) kid’s high school had a policy about distributing marketing materials on campus. Rather then allowing for useful items like condoms or switchblades, the school only permitted various insipid marketing programs. Usually, it was organizations like the U.S. Navy who passed out useless items like chewing tobacco and dried squid and various colleges with pamphlets that make college seem like hanging out at modeling school, but when the (teenaged) kid returned from school the day they passed out free samples of body spray, I could tell something was in the air.
I thought it was the dogs. I figured they had found something that actually smelled nice somewhere in the back yard. But unlike most dog smells, except for flatulence, this came and went. Finally, one morning before school, I realized the smell was coming from the (teenaged) kid. “What’s that smell?” I asked.
“Oh, that’s just my body spray.” After he went to school one morning, I searched his room and found seven missing dishes, my cordless drill, a copy of People magazine and six bottles of body spray with three different brands and five different scents.
I next noticed that the body spray phenomenon had spread to the (teenaged) kid’s karate activities. One Sunday morning, I noticed he was giving off sweetly pungent clouds as we drove to a tournament. I didn’t say anything other then to remark that the tournament must have a new event associated with olfactory assaults and defenses. As expected, the (teenaged) kid was not amused at my observation.
But I finally realized how widespread this was on a Saturday when I gave the (teenaged) kid and a few of his friends to a Dungeons & Dragons tournament. Now, as far as I can tell, kids who play D&D generally tend to be social outcasts, so when I noticed that the car gained a new aspect of polished body spray odor with each teenager I picked up, I realized that this malady had advanced to the dorks and geeks.
Next came a letter to the editor in the newspaper written by a concerned grandparent. It started by explaining that body spray was an imposition of sophistication upon our impressionable teenagers, and the marketing programs used to turn them on to the wonders of body spray were laying groundwork for a loss of morals through the marketing of vices. It also indicated that body spray was responsible for a recent increase in teenage pregnancy, and that it was possible that teenagers were using body spray to fool drug-sniffing dogs.
A week or so later, a photocopy of the letter printed on garishly yellow-green paper appeared in my mailbox. Shortly after that, the (teenaged) kid brought home a note announcing a special assembly next week with a presentation by the municipal police department.
I arrived at the school a bit early to get acclimated. The assembly was in a gymnasium decorated for an upcoming badminton game (At least that’s what I think they meant with signs that said ‘Hide the Birdie’). I got a seat up front as the gymnasium began to fill up with a bunch of noisy but nice smelling kids.
The vice principal started by having the assembly recite the Pledge of Allegiance, and then discussed later class periods and the resanitization of the locker rooms due to the appearance of ringworm. At least that’s what I think he said because he had this annoying habit of saying everything in a bizarrely complicated way.
He continued: “The administration is not unaware that most of the student body says no to illegal drugs. However, there have been numerous media messages saying that not just a few students who body spray are utilizing it in such a way as to make themselves immune to detection by a drug sniffing dog. We have taken the not simple steps today to demonstrate to the student body in no uncertain terms that body spray does not serve to distract canine officers.” I'll spare you the rest.
At this point, a municipal cop emerged from the stage wing, accompanied by a small white dog that looked suspiciously like a shaved Maltese. The officer and dog sniffed around the vice principal without incident. They then walked over to the opposite side of the stage, where the dog sat down and said, "Damn, there's a lot of body spray around here. And someone has chicken." I then contemplated how much more interesting this assembly would have been if they had brought a drug-sniffing iguana.
The vice principal then was handed a can of body spray and a sandwich baggie filled with what appeared to be fairly decent marijuana. He then proceeded to spray the baggie liberally with the can. Sporadic gasps could be heard from the audience, and someone behind me who I suspected was an anthropology teacher chortled. The vice principal folded the baggie and put it in his pants pocket. “Okay, officer, you can make another searching pass for contraband.”
The officer and dog completed another casual stroll around the vice principal with an air of indifferent detachment. The crowd began to laugh as the dog circled the principal two or three more times without incident. The roar of laughter and voices grew to drown out the vice principal. Above the din an electronic gong sounded, and the multitude of pleasantly scented students filed out to their next class.
The
following week the school district sent out a letter saying students were
forbidden from wearing body spray, or having it in their lockers or backpacks.
And yet another bastion of sub-urban bourgeoisie wrecks havoc upon the youthful
proletariat.
